"You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them."

I went through and found all my Facebook Status Updates.  It's sort of like a journal to me.  

 Scroll down... read a few.... stop when you get tired.  I'm curious to know your favorite. I know mine.

 

 

·      ‎Just a lot of clean livin' -- and a little miracle I like to call, "dishonesty"

 

·      Ashton, if you write another cuss word on my profile, you'll be wearing your nuts for your earrings while you go watch Twilight.

·     
Have fun watching girl movies with your other eunuch buddies.

 

 

·      slept with an electric blanket last night. I had a dream I was in a sauna.

 

 

·      is not working Friday. Finally, I feel like a dentist. See you in the mountains.

 

 

·      With the super-bowl over, now I can spend my time thinking about more important things....like ninjas.

 

 

·      The praise of the praiseworthy is above all rewards.

 

 

·      So let us go out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress--adventure.

 

 

·      "If I catch you and your chuckle-headed, 32-ounce-Monster-Energy-Drink-guzzling, big belly-having crew chopping up the water with your tubing behind a wakeboarding boat, I'm going to punch you right in the bread-basket.  Don't know what the "bread-basket” is?  You will. 

 

 

·      Caught 68 smallmouth bass by 2:00. Hiked 12 miles. Drove 7 hours. Fixed a flat tire. Ate two Burger House green-chili mixed burros. Jealous?

 

 

·      It's a pleasure for you for me to let you meet me. How's that?

 

 

·      Just took the "Which twilight character are you" quiz and the result is--"Absolutely None of Them”.

 

 

·      is living vicariously... through himself.

 

 

·      Doesn't have buffalo chips to burn in celebration of Pioneer Day. Time to improvise.

 

 

·      If you don't take care of your body, where else will you live?

 

 

·      --I just hit my funny-bone so hard, I almost cried. That's not funny at all.... wait.... maybe to you, it is.

 

 

·      Today, I told my friend how I liked this girl but was too scared to ask her out. He told me… “Why? The worst she’s going to do is say 'no'.” Building confidence, I approached her and asked her on a date. Then she replied, “Get away douche-bag!” and kicked me in the balls.

 

 

·      At the water park, several people came up to the lifeguard and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. They found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy.

 

 

·      I know from personal experience that worms in apples aren't just something you seen in cartoons.

 

 

·      I was sitting in a public restroom stall (just resting), when I heard gasp of pain come from the stall next to me. When I moved my head closer to look through crack between the dividers to see what was going on.  The only think I saw was another eye looking in at me.

 

 

·      My bear hugs are hugs I actually give to bears.

 

 

·      is like a watch-repair man who works in a little moving cup of spit and blood.

 

 

·      is people-watching in the airport. I wonder if people look at ME in the airport and wonder "What’s up with this guy?" Like I do to them.

 

 

·      Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil.

 

 

·      I was riding my mountain bike on a desert trail, when I almost crashed down a cliff while swerving to miss a desert tortoise crossing the narrow track. After picking myself up off the ground, I discovered the "tortoise" was really just a huge pile of dog crap.

 

 

·      Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam mattress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom.

 

 

·      Says, "The pain will go away when it stops hurting.

 

 

·      The last thing you want to hear from the guy standing next to you at the urinals..."Hey, does this look infected to you?

 

 

·      If you can keep a calm head while everyone else around you is losing theirs.... you may not completely understand what's going on.

 

 

·      “Has" is so much better than "Want”

 

 

·      Man rule #78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

 

 

·      While I eat dinner, I enjoy the internet's big brother, a little miracle I like to call.... Color Television.

 

 

·      Today I decided to reunite with a long lost friend. His name is Procrastination. I'll see you later, fix-the-sprinklers. Hello Superstition Mountains.

 

 

·      Today I won an opportunity to attend a class to increase my safety and defensive driving skills. All I had to do was drive very too fast and have a local policeman tell me so. I can't wait.

 

 

·      Something on my chest hurts... oh, it's my nipples. Maybe it's time to tape them when I run.

 

 

·      If my goal was to have the world's driest mouth while running a race, I'm pretty sure I won. Gotta love Arizona!

 

 

·      "Today, I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included three sets of plastic cutlery. Someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least three people eating to require such a large amount of food. I ate alone.

 

 

·      My dermatologist informed me that the mole on my lower abdominal area is not a mole after all, but what is known as an "accessory nipple". Finally, I can justifiably be known by the coveted nick-name… "Triple Nipple"! Thank you.

 

 

·      The "Blind Date"? -- They call it a "Set Up" now. I guess the blind people don't like to be associated with all those LOOSERS.

 

 

·      Went to Institute Class last night-- or as I like to call it, “Singles Fart Suppression.”

 

 

·      "I was looking at old pictures of when I was growing up. I have come to the conclusion that people were just uglier back then.

 

 

·      My 3 y.o. niece Danni: Dallas, do you have a family at your house?
Dallas: No, I just live by myself.
Danni: Who's the boss of you then?
Dallas: I don't have a boss, Danni.
Danni: You need to get a boss so they can tell you what to do.

 

 

·      I say put Steve Nash as the Cardinals quarterback.

 

 

·      I enjoy Sundays.... especially Sunday's where Monday is like another Saturday.

 

 

·      It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary.

 

 

·      Wha? Behind the rabbit? ---- It IS the rabbit!!

 

 

·      A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face... My point? You have an ingrown toenail. Stop your whining.

 

 

·      When it comes time to retire, I might spend August and September in the Utah mountains. It is perfect outside.

 

 

·      В гостях хорошо, а дома лучше.
Transliteration: V gostyakh khorosho, a doma luchshe.
Translation: Visiting is good, but home is better.

 

 

·      I dare you to pray for humility.

 

 

·      We took a little break from each other. We'll probably just get back together tomorrow. We always do-- Work and I.

 

 

·      I don't get why people like "brunch". What's the benefit of combining break-dancing with lunch?

 

 

·      Just paid good money for cow poop, which I'll just fling on the ground.

 

 

·      “This is the earliest I've ever been late." My uncle's license plate cover.

 

 

·      It will be necessary to grow some sideburns for my Halloween costume this year. I will give a hint-- it is not Janet Napolitano.

 

 

·      You can either look rich or be rich, but you probably won't live long enough to accomplish both.

 

 

·      (This happens at least a few times a week)...Telling the dentist, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate the dentist." inspires him very little.

 

 

·      I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

 

 

·      Children are basically animals you can train to do the things you don't want to.

 

 

·      If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

 

 

·      My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." -- I was like, "Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.

 

 

·      I religiously floss" should not mean "I floss on Christmas and Easter".

 

 

·      I went whale-watching. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

 

 

·      My genius has come alive, just like toys when my back is turned.

 

 

·      Heating up the sauna. Давайте папаримся.

 

 

·      How much ammo is too much ammo? I tallied it all up in the safe last night. The answer is: There is no such thing as too much ammo.

 

 

·      Do you want to find out how hard I can punch?

 

 

·      Is it wrong to pray for Kobe Bryant to jack his knee and not be able to play basketball for a year or so?

 

 

·      Have you ever wiped out SOOO hard snowboarding that you crapped your pants? .... Um... Yeah... Me neither.

 

 

·      Words not heard from my mouth: "That middle-of-the-night-snowstorm drive from Sandy to Ogden was fun- like Disneyland".

 

 

·      Yesterday's high-society air passenger has been replaced by the Juicy sweat-suit-clad housewife who squished in next to you, only to whip out a Manchu Wok takeout bag full of what can only be the feces of human feces. Other people's food.....stinky.

·      I have sometimes used a dog to dry my hands.

 

 

·      College students,
How was your first day of classes? Mine was awesome. No classes.

Dallas

 

 

·      I do my own stunt work.

 

 

·      You have led me onto the path of adventure, and from that path, I cannot retreat.

 

 

·      There is a sponsored ad on the side of my page here that suggests I should "Date Rich Women". Awesome.

 

 

·      My advise is pointless, if your breath smells like dumpster juice.

 

 

·      Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the heck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Screw it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this.

 

 

·      How the heck are you going to sit there with a straight face and tell me that MacGyver wouldn't be the most awesome president of the United States of America ever?

 

 

·      Yessssss! I FINALLY got the "Russian Women Online" website add on the right hand side of my facebook profile page!

 

 

·      I can gargle peanut butter.

 

 

·      Look, ma'am. I don't want to offend you, but you fit a certain profile that we in the law enforcement call a "wack-job"

 

 

·      Why don't we call people "jive-turkeys" anymore?

 

 

·      Someday, when I make it to heaven, I'm going to find the person who said to themselves, "I'm going to squeeze THAT part of the cow and drink the stuff that comes out."-- Then I'm going to shake their hand.

I love milk.

 

 

·      Reading about food storage. So far I think that one Kalashnikov assault-rifle with 5000 rounds per family member ought to do it. Also some canned chili in case I tire of eating my less-valiant neighbors.

 

 

·      I weigh the same either dry or soaking wet.... scientifically proven.

 

 

·      Are you stalking me? Because that would be perfect.

 

 

·      “Mr. Woolf" is my father's name. You can call me - "Sir”.

 

 

·      I slept like a baby last night. ..... Wait. I didn't get hungry and wake up crying. I didn't poop my pants and wake up crying. I didn't get scared of the rain noise and wake up crying.

Scratch that. I slept like a bear in the winter last night.

 

 

·      Street smart is just something dumb people say when they want to use the word 'smart' to describe themselves".

Darnell

 

 

·      Dallas Woolf is my stage name.

 

 

·      At the Pat Tillman Run, there were a surprising number of runners who BEGAN the race with extreme B.O. (wash your clothes, guys)

 

 

·      Horseback riding is great exercise..... for the horse.

 

 

 

·      So, the guidebook says that the route's through here. But I know a better way. The cool way.

 

 

·      You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them.

 

 

·      Happy Birthday, Hitler! Say hello to Stalin while you're burning in hell.

 

 

·      I have an ad on the right side of my facebook page that says, "Refinance at 2.65%" and has a picture of a girl in a bikini doing yoga.

 

·      “Do you want to Dimpisize your meal for a quarter more?"
"Want me to punchisize your face for free?”

 

 

·      Let's just get this over with. Swish this around in your mouth like you're washing your mouth with it. It's called mouth wash.

 

 

·      Alright, here’s what I want you to do - while sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

 

 

·      My dang neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?!! 2:30 a.m.! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

 

 

·      In honor of Intergalactic Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you!

 

 

 

·      Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers. I would like to thank my own mother for everything she has done for me and taught me. Especially that potty-training thing. I can't tell you how many times that has come in handy over the years.

 

 

·      Last night I watched the movie Thor. I woke up this morning remembering my dream that I was dating Natalie Portman. She's a pretty good wakeboarder.

 

 

·      Have you ever visited a different city, went to church thinking you showed up a few minutes late, and had to walk in during the opening hymn, and interrupted people because the only open seats were in the very front, and then realized during the prayer that it wasn't the opening prayer, but the closing prayer, and you were in the wrong place and just walked in during the end of the meeting?

I have.

 

 

·      The worst is when you ask someone out and they turn you down. It's like they're saying, "You know what, I don't even feel like eating a free meal around you." -- Jim Gaffigan

 

 

·      Just found out my blood type. My blood type is "!"

 

 

·      Folks, it's no secret that I don't like soccer. It's like watching grass grow, but with a bunch of soccer players in the way.

 

 

·      One of my 8 year old girl patients answers, in a book that asked her different questions:
1. Do you believe in Unicorns? ---- No
2. If you met a Unicorn, what two questions would you ask it? ----- Do you exist.... and... What is a penis?

 

 

·      Driving with your window down is the same as having your AC on in your car--only crappier.

 

 

·      Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pocket, you better use them to call a tailor

 

 

·      Visiting Utah this weekend has reminded me of my childhood dog days of summer. I had no job, no responsibilities, no worries. My days were spent swimming, eating Popsicles, and watching Kung Fu. I think I have figured out how to live like that again. I'm quitting my job and going on welfare. Why didn't I think of this before?

 

 

·      Congratulations! I want to reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

 

 

·      Dream: Basketball shoes squeaking on the court.
Reality: Smoke alarm chirping every 30 seconds telling me it's out of battery.

It's always in the middle of the night.

 

 

·      I am almost positive that there are at least 6 male players on Japan's women's soccer team.

 

 

·      Today, playing at the beach in Oceanside, I did what my dermatologist recommended, and got a nice deep sunburn.... wait... never mind.

 

 

·      Dallas, you work out in the gym? Why? You don't need to work out. You're already in shape."

Honestly.

 

 

·      July 24th-- Pioneer Day! Happy Pioneer Day. To display my thankfulness for my pioneer heritage an their sacrifices, I will refrain from using any modern toilet facilities.

 

·      “We lived in the hope that, if we survived and were good, God would
allow us to become pirates."  Mark Twain

 

·      I have never uttered the words, "You have an obvious case of flossing too much.”

 

·      I can’t wait to see that Smurf movie”

               - Nobody

 

·      Isn't it about time for the Royal Divorce?

 

·      I jumped awake this morning because I dreamed that I got a bad grade on an English paper and would be playing catch-up all semester. Upon awakening, I remembered that I'm not in school any more. Relieved, I fell back asleep and told my English teacher to shove it. Subconsciously, I must have known it was the first day of school, and I had a bit of the jitters.

 

 

·      I just spent nearly 15 minutes standing in the refrigerated room at Costco pretending to decide between two different bags of Tender French Green Beans. I just needed to cool off my sweaty clothes.

 

 

·      It had been a long time since I went to the lake on a Saturday. Watching all the drunk boaters and jet skiiers recklessly weaving around me... it was a bit like watching the salmon returning to spawn, except that fish are more discriminating about who fertilizes their eggs.

 

·      I think guys that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

 

 

·      I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.” – Every guy who has bought a tank top

 

 

·      It's hard to believe that something so foul and disgusting as pig crap can come out of something as wonderful and delicious as the BBQ pork butt I ate last night.

 

 

·      It's so embarrassing when I wrongly guess a kid's gender.
Me- “How old is he?”
Parent- “SHE is 23.”
Me -"Wow, lot of hair

 

 

·      My computer just beat me in chess...
but it's no match for me at kick-boxing.

 

·      One of my fears is that I'll wake up one day and not have a butt... just a long back with a crack at the bottom.  Off to do squats. I hate leg day.

 

·      I don’t even remember how to remember a phone number.

 

·      The only time it's acceptable to ask someone, "So, why aren't YOU married?" -- is never.

 

·      I say this with a staunch record of heterosexuality: I just had a pedicure and a manicure for the first time in my life. They didn't even ask me if I wanted them painted.... they automatically assumed the answer would be no.

 

·      I will be rooting for BYU.......... to lose.
Hook 'em.

 

 

·      Whoever sits in the same seat I did at the UT football stadium, will be lucky to find not one, but two complementary pieces of gum under the seat.

 

 

·      There are an impressive number of BYU fans here in the airport of Austin, TX.  I have found that some of them have appreciated my "Good game." accompanied with the pat on the butt. Most have not.

 

·      What exactly is the difference between having to wake up for work after a long weekend... and getting punched in the face?

 

·      Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

 

 

·      Sometimes I see how people act around their kids, and I have to think--
If you believe that the best way to be a role model for a child is to show them what NOT to do, that would make you the best parents in the world.

 

 

·      Cutting onions really does make my eyes cry. Especially when I slice a piece of my finger off.

 

 

·      Just so everyone knows... I am considering changing my full name to "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader"

 

·      There are many reasons I am thankful for the internet. Today, it has taught me the correct spelling of "indubitably". Now I can use "indubitably" without feeling like an idiot.

 

·      A great thing to do at the grocery store checkout is to steal one thing from the cart in front of you and see if the person in front of you notices. This week, I took a baby.

 

 

·      Yesterday, at the football game, my friend Jeff's 9 year old daughter was sitting behind me. She tapped me on my shoulder and said, "Your shirt says 'Softball Champion 2006'! Your shirt is from 2006? Hahahaha." She was making fun of me because I wear old clothes. Then I realized, half my wardrobe is free T-shirt. I guess I should get someone to shop for me, because, I don't enjoy that.

 

 

·      I'm having a little pre-Conference Session wakeboard session."

 

·      I believe it's time for me to visit the only place on earth you can walk around for 12 hours and still gain weight... Disneyland!"

 

·      Sometimes, when I'm feeling extra tough and manly, I cook bacon for dinner......shirtless.

 

·      I had my 20 year high school reunion tonight. They gave me a copy of our senior video. (a video of different assemblies, football games, cheer routines, graduation and dance pictures) I just watched the video and counted 45 mullets, 7 mustaches, and 24 tank tops tucked into jean shorts."

 

·      Sometimes I feel like I want to be on vacation every day. I call those times, "being awake.

 

·      Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell me a secret?"

 

·      "I'm not a good listener???? I'm a GREAT listener. Just ask the TV."

 

·      They should rename "Watching NFL" to "Watching Geico commercials"."

 

·      Please help me interpret the dream I had last night. It may have been the Kit Kat bar I ate before I went to bed. At about 2:30 a.m. I woke up with a start after having a dream that a tiny dog was attacking my genitals.

 

·      Experiment: Does the Scentsy wax taste as delicious as it smells?
Answer: Almost.

 

 

 

·      "That Dove chocolate taste way better than Dove beauty bar."

 

·      Sham = Bad
Poo = Really Bad
Shampoo - Clean hair with?

 

·      "I just heard someone say, "It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to understand this.""

 

·      Dear loud talkers,
Could you at least discuss something that is interesting?

 

·      ‎99% of the kids I gave toothpaste to last night squealed with delight at having their very own toothpaste tube. Next year, the 1% of complainers are also getting a big spoonful of delicious Costco potato salad put in their treat bag.

 

 

 

·      "Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot..."

 

·      You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

 

·      I would like to thank the no-good turd-burglers who threw the rock through my office door last night an stole my TV. I thank you because you left a blood trail for the police to get your DNA. I hope they catch you and you get a nice big boyfriend in prison.

 

 

·      Today is the third day in a row I'll be wearing Sunday clothes. It's almost like I'm a missionary or something, except I can watch TV and date.

 

·      Today, as I was waiting at a stoplight, I did what I always do at the stoplight. (No, not pick boogers.) I looked at the people in the cars around me. The guy to the left had a cut-off T-shirt. He wiped his hand under his armpit and then smelled his fingers. People watching = good, clean fun."

 

 

·      I can't wait to see Breaking Dawn this week. Wait... never mind.

 

 

·      The best CHIPS episode is where they had to get the off-road dirt motorcycles to catch the bad guys in the desert." -- Actual quote from my conversation during today's lunch.

 

 

 

·      “Dallas? What are YOU doing here?"

Six people asked me this question at a fireside I went to tonight at the ASU Institute. Luckily I had an excuse and they didn't ask me to leave.

 

·      My left and right Sunday socks are each a different shade of dark. But I go by thickness, so to me they're the same.

 

·      My nephew Dane calls his testicles his "vegetables".

 

 

·      “Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee… Sometimes old people hike by mistake” – Demetri Martin.

I'm taking a hike. See you there.

 

 

·      Kim: "Did anyone else gain weight when they stopped nursing?"
Dallas: "I stopped nursing when I was a few months old. Since then, I've gained about 180 lbs."

 

·      ‎"Dallas, why are you on Facebook?"

"Mainly, it tells me when my siblings' birthdays are.""

 

 

·      I was thinking of buying that Ab Rocket Twister from the infomercial that gives me "tighter and sexier abs in just 5 minutes a day", but I think I’ll just go for throwing money away.

 

 

·      Since when is it not funny to respond to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with the answer “Your death”?

 

 

·      I have never relied on mistletoe.

 

·      Happy Festivus! I am going to go perform my feats of strength.

 

·      Christmas Eve ... Time to start my Christmas shopping.

 

·      I'm so happy to finally turn 29 again! Goodbye, Work. I'll see you next year!

 

 

·      I just came home from a ski trip, and my back door was wide open. Nothing is missing, broken or stolen. If there is still an intruder in my house, he/she must be simply waiting to see me naked.

 

·      I thought that one-hour church was a permanent change. At least that’s the story I’m sticking to.

 

·      I've decided what women want. Women seem to want contradictory things in a man.

Women want a man who is ambitious, an achiever who is successful both professionally and financially… who’s not materialistic.

Women want a man who is solid, steady, consistent and reliable…. Who is fun, unpredictable and spontaneous.

Women want a strong-willed, decisive man who takes a stand and does not waver… as long as he flexible, open minded, and can admit when he’s wrong.

Women want a realist who is romantic.
A guy who’s serious… but playful.
Who’s confident…but humble.
Who’s horny…but faithful.

Women want a man who’s career driven…but family oriented.
Women want a man who’s smart… but not nerdy.
Caring… but not needy.
Affectionate…. but not clingy.
Protective,… but not possessive.
Emotional…but not neurotic.
Funny…but not a clown
Dominant,…but not domineering
In control…but not controlling.

No problem.

·      Mom: Dallas, you really should try harder to find a wife and get married.
Dallas: Mom, if I get married, what will the women around here be able to fast for on Fast Sundays?"

 

 

·      ‎"Getting there is half the fun."

 

Clark Griswold

 

·      Happy Birthday today to Woolf Dental. To celebrate, we're all going to Matta's Mexican Restaurant for lunch. If you decide to come, I've arranged it so, while you're ordering your food, if you give a wink and say, "Happy Birthday Woolf Dental"... you'll get free chips and salsa."

 

 

·      There are volcanos here in Hawaii. It reminds me of "Lava Land"... That's a game I used to play when I was a kid. The floor is lava. It's where you climb all over the furniture and you couldn't touch the floor because it was lava. You might have called it something completely different. But it meant the same thing......you were poor. (I never had a Nintendo)

 

 

·      “The doctor is eating lunch." and by "eating lunch," I mean, "taking a nap
-Kathy"

 

·      My testimony of three-day-weekends is strong.

 

·      What exactly is the difference between going to work sick and getting punched in the face?

 

·      ‎"As we have previously discussed, speed is not as important as your photo in the race. As we have also discussed, it is critical to be aware of where the photographer is positioned at the end of the run. Then get to where no one is blocking her view. Even if it means hanging back to let someone pass you so you can be alone in the shot. Then do the best you can to look relaxed, even though every bone in your body is tired....Then get in as many photos alone as possible. Look at this photo and then go forward and backward in the pictures. I think this was a record, not speed, but in being able to get in the most photos ever at a race. A personal best." -Mac Woolf

 

·      Scientifically proven: it takes two weeks of working indoors for a Hawaiian tan to wash off my body.

 

·      No matter how much I love vacation, I'm always happy to come home, sleep in my own bed, smile and say to myself, "Cheated death again!"

 

·      No one can see me vigorously picking my nose at the stoplight if my windows are up, right?"

- Lady in the Mustang next to me on my way to work today."

 

·      ‎"My hair looks like a shark!"

-5 year old kid next to me whose mom got him a feux hawk haircut."

 

·      I'm on my way to The Debates..... The Debates between the Suns an the Warriors.

 

·      The word "funner" is now in the 2010 dictionary. Yessss!

 

·      "Let's get the single guy in the ward who has no children to speak in church about fatherhood and influencing our children."

-The Bishopric of my ward.

(Not a complaint... I just thought it was funny)"

 

·      I had a dream that I was on a mission in Russia. My comp had ditched me and I was walking the streets alone. Then I went to the beach and started surfing with some dolphins. I felt guilty for swimming and being by myself instead of proselyting. In my mind I thought to myself, "What am I doing here? How is my dental practice staying open while I'm a missionary? I'm going to ask some of these Russian girls out on some dates." Then I woke up.... and a dolphin was in bed with me. (not really)"

 

 

·      Have you ever notice how the symbol "&" looks like a man dragging his butt on the floor?

·      I just started a Pintrest account..... No I didn't.

 

·      Standing in line with the usual person behind me who thinks the line will go faster the closer he stands to me.

 

·      If you haven't tore a ligament or broken a few bones in your lifetime, you're not trying hard enough.

 

·      "I'm so glad my spring break is finally over and I can go back to work."

-Nobody."

 

 

·      "So, I bought some of those panties that have those really high legs. And they felt really uncomfortable. Then, I went to the bathroom, and I realized I had put them on sideways."

-My 70 year old female patient to my assistant."

 

 

·      I'm going to go see Hunger Games... And I'm going to wear my "Team Edward" T-shirt.

 

·      What's the difference between-

1. looking at pictures of people's lives, vacations, families; reading their favorite books, quotes, interests .... And

2. stalking. ?

 

 

·      Them: "Dallas, I have a girl to set you up with. She's really nice, but not really good looking."

Me: "Good grief!! I wish people would stop thinking I'm so shallow. What's her annual income?"

 

·      "Beginning today is General Conference.... also known as "naptime""

 

 

·      I guess it is far enough along and most of my family is on Facebook so I can announce. I'm pregnant!

 

·      Did you know that if you hold your ear up against a stranger's leg you can hear him or her shouting "What are you doing? Get away from me!"

 

 

·      Evidently when I received "Lots Of Love" sent via text message, I was mistaken...

"LOL" in fact, means "Laugh Out Loud". This clears up some confusion."

 

·      Very similar to Elven Lembas Bread, my "homemade energy bar" that I frequently bring on hikes is an instant cure for hunger.... sweet, and delicious. It is not wrapped in the leaves of virtuous trees, but kept in zipper sandwich bags. It is called "Pound cake" in the common speech.

 

·      Have you ever had a dream that you had to go to the bathroom so bad that you went into a trash can in the middle of a huge mansion because you couldn't find a toilet?

Me too!

 

 

 

·      Most times, real life doesn't measure up to what's in our heads. But every now and then, it comes pretty close.

 

·      Put your finger in your ear and wiggle it like you're scratching up and down. It will sound exactly like you're playing Pac-Man.

 

 

·      My strong apologizes for making your strong look like cottage cheese."

 

 

·      I found a baby bird that had fallen out of the nest. I put it in a shoe box and decided to nurse it back to health. I called my veterinarian friend to ask how I should feed it. She told me to use an eyedropper. That didn't work at all. The food just kept piling up on his eyes.

 

·      For years and years, I have slept exclusively on the left side of my king sized bed. Last night, I decided to try the right side as a scientific experiment... to determine if it affects my sleep patterns, dreams, comfort.

Results: The right and left sides of the bed are exactly the same.

 

 

 

·      Let's play a game of "Crap Nobody Says"

I'll start:

"I can't wait to go back to IKEA."

"Here, just wear a pair of my underwear. I don't care."

"I hope this doctor has cold hands again."

"That dumpster juice smells delicious."

 

·      ‎"Is that the one with the guy and the guy and the guy with the guy and the girl, and there was quicksand?".

-My nephew Nicky asking about the movie The Princess Bride."

 

·      I just told a 12 year old boy patient: "If you don't brush your teeth, you'll get Saymas Disease. Do you know what Saymas Disease is? It's where your mouth smells the Saymas your butt."

 

·      I may have ruined a young mother's day today. Her cute little daughter was pressing the cross-walk button non-stop. The mom said, "Stop it!" The daughter said, "It makes it go faster." The mom said, "It does not, now stop it!" The girl looked around to me, and I don't know why, but I nodded and quietly said, "Yeah, it does." The mom looked at me with the most hatred I've seen in a long time. I think I may have sparked some future mother-daughter trust issues.

 

 

·      If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can't make a marriage work, I don't know why I should even try to start.

 

·      I have this cool superpower where I look like total crap whenever I run into an old crush.

·      Dear guy in the gym who wears his mirrored sunglasses indoors,

We all know you are hiding your eyes so you can gawk at the women doing Zumba, and we think you're a pervert."

Signed,

Everybody

·      Them:
"Dallas, I have a girl to set you up with. She's really nice, but not really good looking."

Me:
"Good grief!! I wish people would stop thinking I'm so shallow. What's her annual income?"

·      Let's play a game. Who is more tired? I win! Thanks for playing.

·      Dinner is on me, to the person who comes closest to guessing how many times, last night at my sister's wedding reception open house, someone asked me anything along the lines of..."So when's your big date, Dallas?" or "Isn't it your turn soon?"

I'll give you a hint. It was less than 50.

On your mark, get set, go!

·      So, if I understand correctly, Instagram is just like facebook, where you can post a picture, and label it, and people can comment on it. Only you can make it look like an old crappy picture instead of a new, high quality picture?

·      Dear naked guy in the men's locker room at my gym,,

We do not talk to each other in the men's room... Especially when you have no clothes on. Your naked-time is not the time for chit chat.

·      At this time of year, it was so engrained in my psyche to worry about homework and new classes, and syllabi, and buying books, and paying for things, and who I'm going to sit by in my classes....because I did it for so long. I still have a bit of that feeling... but then I say, "Neener neener. I'm done with that!"

·      I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone....

....because I like to use the word "fortnight."

 

 

·      No, I don't want to come to your dog's birthday party...freak! My cat is getting married that weekend.

·      If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!" -- you are wasting everybody's time.

·      One thing I DO miss about not starting a new year in school right now: On the first day of school, I was always pleased to find a complimentary piece of gum stuck to the bottom of my desk. Most still had plenty of flavor.

·      This morning, at the Walmart on Stapley, a young Hispanic man was having trouble with the bottled water machine he was using, so I stayed outside with him to help unjam it and help with the bottles. When he was done, a bunch of gangsters showed up who knew him apparently. He shook my hand and they were all like, "Eeyy, you alright, man. You alright. You ever need anyting, you let us know. Ain't nobody gun F*** wit you." And they taught me this intricate handshake. And that's how I accidentally joined a Mexican gang.